


Close Your Eyes Now

by cassiem



Category: Block B
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-09
Updated: 2015-05-04
Packaged: 2018-02-16 18:52:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2280834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cassiem/pseuds/cassiem
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jiho is working himself to death, and Jihoon can't stand it anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Everything Okey Dokey

“Hyung, where are you going?”

It’s a question asked way too often by Jihoon, and if he’s honest, Jiho is sick of it. He hates lying, especially to Jihoon, who is so innocent and childlike it’s so hard to lie to his face. The answer is always the same, though.

“The studio. Gotta work.”

As always, Jihoon’s face creases up, with that little furrow between his eyebrows that only shows up when he’s worried making their appearance. He isn’t the only one who’s worried. Every single member of Block B is concerned about Jiho’s frequent disappearances to his studio. One by one, they’ve all been woken up by their leader stumbling home at five in the morning (or later) and have heard him collapse into bed only to have to get up two hours later. The makeup noonas have noticed, too, and the amount of concealer that goes onto Jiho’s face every day is enough to last any of the other members’ for weeks.

Jihoon stares at his hyung’s retreating back, and every fibre of his being yearns to go after him. He worries about Jiho. They all do.

//

Jiho doesn’t know what draws him to his studio, this warm, comforting place that feels more homely than the dorm lately. He only knows that something is pulling him in, pulling him to his desk, where he pours out his soul into his lyrics. He doesn’t know if his inability to stop working is a symptom or the cause of the stress he’s been feeling lately, but he can’t bring himself to stop. The music has been his only friend.

Except tonight he can’t focus. His mind keeps drifting back to Jihoon’s worried face – those two dimples. He feels incredibly guilty for being the cause of them. After all, isn’t he meant to be the leader? The protector?

He gives up on his laptop and spins his chair around, looking at his studio, at his new home. He eyes the couch, which looks incredibly inviting at – he checks his watch – 4:30 in the morning. However he learnt his lesson when, once, having crashed on it and slept instead of going back to the dorm, he was woken up at 9 by the furious banging on the door by his members, who were incredibly concerned about his whereabouts. It was just easier on everyone for him to go home.

He stands up, stretches, and ambles over to the couch to put on his shoes. They have another big day tomorrow, so he should do his best to not get home too late.

//

It’s 5 am, and Jihoon is sitting at his desk, feet tucked underneath him, typing away at his keyboard. He hasn’t been able to sleep, hasn’t been able to get the image of their leader alone in his studio, probably in the same position as him, out of his head.

Jihoon is trying his hand at writing lyrics. He knows his feeble attempts can’t even come close to Jiho’s artistry, but he tries anyway. He writes about love (which he knows nothing of), hurt (which he knows a lot of) and the usual idol crap about being the best ( _nega je jalaga_ he thinks to himself; it’s one of his favourites. Of course, his hyungs tease him about loving 2ne1. He even has a bit of a crush on Chaerin noona). He is too shy to show his work to Jiho, knowing his hyung would probably laugh.

He takes his headphones out for a minute and stretches and cracks his neck, and then freezes. Was that the front door? He listens carefully and yes, sure enough, there’s the beeping of the electronic lock as it lets someone in.

Only one person could be coming in this late – Jiho. He gets up out of his chair so hurriedly he trips and falls over the charger cord on the way to the door, yanking his laptop off the desk and to the ground with a clatter. Inwardly, he groans. Taeil’s room is next door to him and the walls are very thin; he’s probably woken him up, who in turn will wake up Minhyuk.

He quickly untangles himself from the cord and yanks open the door to see Jiho’s retreating back heading towards his room. He stares after him, daring to utter, “Jiho?”

//

Jiho turns and there’s Jihoon, in nothing but an oversized t-shirt, pyjama pants and socks, his hair sticking straight up, looking at Jiho like he’s a lost puppy.

“Jiho, are you okay?” His deep voice comes rumbling out to Jiho from the darkness. God, that voice. Jiho is half envious, half angry at it.

He can’t stand the way Jihoon is looking at him, with that stupid furrow between his eyebrows distracting him. It’s too early for this. Or too late. Whichever.

“Don’t look at me like that, dongsaeng.” Jiho turns and slams the door to his room.

//

 _Ouch_ , is what Jihoon thinks. Jiho only calls him dongsaeng when he’s really mad. The only one who really calls him that is Taeil, the oldest, and Jihoon doesn’t mind. But Jiho is not even a year older than him, and Jihoon detests being called dongsaeng by someone so close in age to him. It’s disrespectful, but he doesn’t care.

Not that he’d ever say that to Jiho.

He shuts his door and leans against it heavily.

Another concert tomorrow, and after that they were filming an ad. Jiho will have two hours sleep to do all that.

Jihoon sighs and pads over to pick up the laptop. Jiho will be okay; he will just have some energy drinks and coffee and be back to his normal self.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fuck i'm so bad at summaries 
> 
> Okay so the reason i'm doing this one in chapters rather than posting this in one big lot is because I feel like this will take the heat off me a little; I am writing prompts that people send to me and I feel like I have to get those done before I can work on my own fic so if I post it in chapters....... ????
> 
> It's 4 am, I'm not making sense, but Nilili Mambo came on so now I want to party
> 
> anyway wooo0o0o0 first zipyo fic in the block b tag lmao
> 
> also yes every chapter title is going to be a lyric DEAL WITH IT
> 
> ok yeah now i'm going to sleep
> 
> (po's voice in nilili mambo is sex)
> 
> ok now i'm really going to sleep


	2. Does It Seem Like a Joke?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jihoon makes a late night visit to Jiho at the studio.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter isn't as good as the last one, I don't know why, the words just weren't 'flowing' like last time. Try to enjoy :P

It’s 2:15 in the morning, two weeks after Jiho called Jihoon dongsaeng. If anything, Jiho has been getting more reserved and withdrawn.

Jihoon is striding down the street, 2ne1 blasting in his ears and a frown on his face. He doesn’t really know what he’s doing, going to the studio – Jiho will just tell him to go home with _that_ look on his face. Maybe even call him dongsaeng again.

But all the same, he can’t bring himself to turn around and head back to the dorm, back to his warm bed and pyjamas. He knows he won't be able to sleep anyway.

 _It’s lucky the studio is just a 10 minute walk from the dorm_ , he thinks. _I can be in and out checking on Jiho before anyone notices I’m gone._ Taeil had been sitting in the lounge room when Jihoon had let himself out; his hyung had simply raised an eyebrow and turned back to his phone. Jihoon had mumbled something about getting some ramen (despite there being packets in the cupboard; they both knew this) and slipped out the door.

As he reaches the studio door and lets himself in, his heart begins to race. _It’s just Jiho. Even if he’s mad, it’s no big deal. I’ll just go back home and go to bed._

Despite his reassurances to himself, as he takes the stairs two-by-two and stands in front of Jiho’s door, posed to knock, he still hesitates. Then, realizing he’s still got 2ne1 playing through his headphones, pulls out his phone and unplugs them but – oh, god damn it - he drops his phone with a clatter on the concrete.

He cringes at the noise that echoes up and down the staircase, and sure enough, on the other side of the door, he hears the _thump thump_ of approaching footsteps and there’s Jiho, opening the door with a curious expression on his face, and now it’s Jihoon’s heart going _thump thump._

“Jihoonie? What are you doing here?”

Jiho’s use of the nickname relaxes Jihoon and he scoops up his now-cracked phone off the ground with a lopsided smile. “I’m checking up on my hyung and making sure he’s not working himself into the ground.”

Jiho bites his lower lip and swings the door open to let Jihoon in. He’s wearing trackpants and a t-shirt, his hair looking ridiculous and unbrushed like he’s been running his hands through it. Jihoon steps inside and Jiho shuts the door behind him and a waft of Jiho-smell washes over him. He knows it too well.

Jihoon seats himself on the lounge and examines his phone. It’s really, _really_ broken. Crap. He sighs and tries to turn it on; the screen goes white and the phone lets out a screeching noise in protest.

Jiho watches with his arms crossed over his chest and a barely-hidden smirk on his face. Jihoon is the clumsiest of the group and this is the fifth phone in as many months that he’s broken.

“You know, Jihoonie, I’m not buying you a new one this time.” Jiho jokes.

“Jico-ah, if I asked, I know you’d hit me across the head at my audacity.” Jihoon says, putting his phone back into his pocket and looking around the studio.

Jesus, what the hell has happened to this place? The desk is spotless, with just Jiho’s two computers on it, but the rest of the floor is covered in clothes, ramen packets, pizza boxes, and other detritus that Jihoon can't identify. The last time he’d seen this place it was spotless, but now…

Jiho sits down next to him, and Jihoon looks down at his hands. He can feel Jiho’s eyes on him, and his heart beats faster, but he couldn’t, wouldn’t, look at the older man. _Why had he come here, anyway? Stupid idea._

“Hyung-”

“Jihoon-”

They both speak at once, and look at each other, startled, before laughing.

“Hyung, you go first.” Jihoon offers.

Jiho looks away before answering. “Why did you come here, Jihoonie?”

Jihoon’s eyes drop to his hands again, which he is wringing, a telltale sign he is worried or stressed – all the members knew this. “I… We are all worried about you, hyung. Why are you working so hard? We only just finished promoting Her. We have some free time, to have fun, but you shut yourself up in here. I’m… We are all concerned.”

_Nice one, idiot._

Jiho chews his lip. “I don’t know, Jihoonie. I just can’t seem to stay away from this place. I don’t know why. It… it calls to me.”

He sounds so earnest, so honest, that before Jihoon knew what he is doing, he is resting his head on his hyung’s shoulder.

//

Jiho stiffens at the weight. Jihoon’s black hair tickles his cheek, and his head rises and falls in time with Jiho’s breathing. But all the same, this feels… nice. Comforting. Jiho lifts his arm and puts it around Jihoon, pulling him closer.

//

Jihoon doesn't really know what the hell he is doing, only that it feels right and nice to have his head there. When Jiho pulls him closer, he closes his eyes and smiles.

They sit like that in silence.

//

A week later and Jihoon is once again on a midnight trek to the studio. For a few days after they had sat together like that, Jiho hadn’t gone to the studio at night, and had even had dinner and watched TV with the rest of them; Taeil had heaped praise upon the youngest member for bringing Jiho out of his shell.

It hadn’t lasted forever, though. After three nights, Jiho was back to being holed up in the studio.

And now Jihoon can't keep away, just like Jiho. Maybe there is something about that place that draws people in.

Or maybe it is just Jiho.

//

As he opens the door with the key Jiho had slipped under his door one night (the accompanying note said “bring food next time”; Jihoon had chuckled at this – it was so like Jiho) he doesn't know what he will find.

What he doesn't expect is Jiho asleep on the couch, legs and arms askew, mouth open and snoring delicately. Jihoon holds back a laugh as he puts the keys on the desk and takes off his shoes.

_Jiho looks cute when he’s sleeping._

Jihoon grabs a blanket off the end of the lounge and drapes it over the sleeping figure; Jiho grabs it and rolls over, away from Jihoon, muttering sleepy noises.

Jihoon sits down heavily on the desk chair and spins around aimlessly. He is tired, but he couldn’t leave Jiho, not while he is sleeping. He feels strangely protective of the older man.

Maybe it's because in his sleep, his face is smooth, unmarred by the worries and stresses the day brought. In fact, Jihoon thinks with a smile as Jiho rolls over and opened his mouth – he looks young.

He is young, really. Barely 21. But he seems older somehow - people often assume he is the oldest (they always guess Jihoon is the youngest, however, much to his chagrin. Is he really the most immature?) instead of Taeil, and he lives up to that reputation.

Jihoon spins around in the chair and waits for Jiho to wake up, waits to bring him home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this pile of trash is what I get for writing while disassociating, huh? sometimes it feels like the words just come to me and I'm just how they get let out but this time I was really struggling for words.
> 
> Also it feels like i'm thrice removed from my body atm so it's very uncomfortable.
> 
> anyway i will work on chapter 3 when i am struck with inspiration next (dw it won't take long)
> 
> also I have a horrible tendency to change tenses partway through and it's really annoying cause i don't notice it
> 
> ty for reading


	3. Take All Of Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Over soju and talk of mixtapes, Jiho makes a big mistake.

_When I lie in your arms and fall asleep_  
_It is quite sweet and warm_  
_So I’d like for the morning_  
_That comes running every day, to stay away for life_

 _The things you do_  
_Makes me keep runnin’ to you_  
_The things you do_  
_Keeps me in love with you_

_P.O. - Good Morning With You_

 

“Hyung, please don’t leave.”

Jiho is just about to open the front door of the dorm to leave to go to the studio when the deep plea floats out to him from the darkness. He doesn’t need to turn to know it’s Jihoon.

Jihoon is standing in the doorway of his room, hands gripping the doorframe so hard that his knuckles are turning white. He doesn’t know what he’ll do if Jiho leaves, only that for some reason he needs him here, needs him here tonight.

“Jihoon…”

“Jiho, please.” Jihoon’s voice cracks, and Jiho turns at that.

“Why do you want me to stay?”

“I don’t know, Jiho, I just do.”

So Jiho does.

//

Jihoon sits straight up in bed, breathing hard, panicking at the weight around his lap pinning him down to the bed, and struggles before realizing it’s just Jiho’s arm.

He rubs his eyes and looks at the bedside clock’s red numbers that glow in the darkness. 4:13 am. They must have fallen asleep.

Jiho hasn’t stirred at Jihoon’s wriggling – he is a notoriously deep sleeper. Jihoon looks down at the other man and smiles. Jiho looks so damn peaceful while he’s sleeping.

Without thinking, Jihoon reaches down and kisses Jiho on the lips, then lies back down before he can think of what he did.

//

Weeks pass with nothing but Jihoon’s visits to the studio breaking the monotony for Jiho.

Maybe it’s Jihoon, or maybe he’s just coming out the other side, but Jiho feels… better. The studio still calls to him, but he doesn’t feel the magnetic attraction that he did before. When he records and writes, it all flows together like it used to, rather than being clunky and sounding funny. He’s even roped Jihoon onto a couple of tracks, and they’re discussing releasing a mixtape together – Jihoon suggested ‘Big Boi On The Block’ as the name, which Jiho hates (but secretly finds cute).

Their visits aren’t anything special, they just sit around and talk music, and Jiho has even begun to show Jihoon the basics of producing, and Jihoon eats it up.

Sometimes, when they’re both too tired to walk back to the dorm, they crash on the couch and fall asleep with Jihoon cuddling Jiho.

Jiho likes it.

He knows he shouldn’t, but he does.

//

Studio time, and Jiho has given Jihoon free reign for the night. He’s written a rap, something ridiculous about love, and is recording it in that voice of his.

Jesus, that voice. When Jiho hears it played back it sends jitters down to the tips of his toes. It’s so deep and melodical at the same time – Jiho is almost jealous of it.

Jihoon finishes recording and looks up to Jiho for appraisal. Jiho smiles and claps. “Jihoonie, it sounds great! You don’t need me to tell you that.”

The younger man smirks. “True.”

Jiho grabs the other chair and wheels it over to the desk to begin messing with the levels and fix the sounds. He doesn’t notice Jihoon; headphones around his neck, gazing at him with an intense look on his face.

//

They’re in the dorm, sitting on the bed, doing shots of soju. Jiho hates soju, and would rather drink dirty toilet water, but it’s Jihoonie’s favourite drink, so he has relented.

They’re about six shots in and very tipsy. Everyone else is out, Jiho doesn’t know where, so they’re being loud and ridiculous.

“I think ‘Big Boi On The Block’ is a great name for a mixtape!” Jihoon says through hiccups.

Jiho shakes his head and the room spins slightly. “It sounds stupid. How about just “Zico and P.O.”?

“You think that sounds great? We have very different tastes. How about just ‘Untitled’?” Jihoon laughs. 

Jiho pauses. “I like that, actually. We could drop it stealthily, overnight, and no one would know what it was. Just a link to a soundcloud called “Untitled.”

“Yeah, that’s cool, but ‘Big Boi On The Block’ is better.” Jihoon singsongs.

Jiho smacks him upside the head (he loves doing that – he never gets to do it to the others) and laughs. “Pass me the soju, Big Boi.”

Jihoon does, rather clumsily, nearly spilling it on the bed. Jiho downs the shot quickly, grimacing at the taste. “Yah, Jihoonie, I don’t know why I let you rope me into this.”

“Because you love me!” Jihoon says with a grin, tossing back his shot nonchalantly.

“Yeah, I do. Enough to drink poison with you, apparently. Why did you want to drink anyway? You never drink.”

Jihoon hesitates.

Jiho frowns and, again, the room spins a bit.

Jihoon takes a deep breath in. “So I could do this.”

And he kisses him.

//

Jihoon’s mind is racing so fast he can’t focus on kissing Jiho like he wants to. _What if he hates me? What if he hits me? What if he throws me out of Block B?_

This all vanishes as Jiho kisses him back and runs a hand up Jihoon’s jaw, sending a shiver down his spine. Their tongues move in syncronisation and Jihoon feels himself grabbing Jiho, pulling him closer, on top of him. He feels Jiho’s hands caress his face, opens his eyes and sees Jiho’s eyelids twitching, hears their breaths.

“Jesus, Jiho, I want you so bad.” Jihoon growls into Jiho’s ear.

“Fuck – Jihoon – fuck me.” Jiho moans and bites Jihoon’s neck in response and fuck he wants to make Jiho moan like that again.

So he does, over and over again, until Jiho’s voice is hoarse from calling his name and Jihoon knows what Jiho tastes like.

//

Jiho wakes up slowly, wishing he wasn’t where he was, but he is. _Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck_ he thinks, looking down at a naked Jihoon draped over him, hair messy and makeup smudged.

Jiho remembers what they did last night. He remembers wanting the younger man, he remembers _having_ the younger man, and he remembers liking it.

He rolls out of bed and hurriedly puts on his clothes. What the fuck was he _thinking_? He… He doesn't like Jihoon. Not like that. Not in that way. He _can’t_ , he thinks, as he pulls on his pants and looks back at Jihoon.

_What have I done?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok i'm happy with this one lol
> 
> poor pyo :(


	4. This Boy's In Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regret, fainting, and the studio

_Don't tell the world what we've known_  
_We've come so far, but there's still a ways to go_  
_It's dark; there's no need for light_  
_When the fire in his eyes is so bright_

 _This boy's in love, love_  
_This boy's in love, under the city, under the city lights_

The Presets - This Boy's In Love

//

Jihoon stretches, still half-asleep, and rolls over, fingers grasping in the sheets for the warm body he fell asleep next to, the person he loves the most. He finds nothing but the blanket tangled around his legs.

He sits up abruptly, hair sticking up, eyes full of sleep and he rubs them to clear them but no, there’s still no Jiho – his room is conspicuously absent of the other man.

But Jihoon’s senses don’t lie. The smell of Jiho is everywhere – on the sheets, on the blanket, on Jihoon himself. He can still taste him.

So where is he?

//

 _What have I done?_ Is all Jiho is thinking as he paces up and down the tiny dorm kitchen, barefooted and rumpled from the night. _What did I do?_

He needn’t ask himself, however; the images are there for the taking, in his head, overwhelming him: Jihoon’s smirk as he ran his fingers down Jiho’s chest; the way Jihoon looked as he bent his head; the noise he made when Jiho entered him; the way he tasted so safe and warm –

He gasps, panting in the cool morning air of the kitchen. This is too much, just too much. He grabs his keys from the counter and leaves, almost running to try and get away from it all.

He doesn’t see Jihoon standing in the doorway of the kitchen, _that_ look on his face.

//

Jihoon’s first thought is to go after Jiho, to chase him down the street and drag him back to the dorm so they can _talk_ about this, but then he remembers how mad Jiho can get, how poisonous his words can be, and he stops, his heart shattering into a million pieces and falling onto the tiled kitchen floor.

He looks down and through his tears can see the pieces of his heart, the raw, bloody pieces of tissue on the floor, the blood splattered across the kitchen island and his eyes close and he’s falling backwards onto the tiles –

//

Head ringing, blurry faces, one of them is Taeil hyung, what is Taeil doing here at Jihoon’s little death? He laughs and the room spins and he falls back into blackness.

//

The voices are what he can hear first. One of them is Kyung’s nasally whine, the other Taeil’s soprano lilt.

“What happened? You just found him like that, on the kitchen floor?” Kyung asks. Jihoon can tell he is frowning, he can hear it in his voice.

“Yeah. He had fainted, Jiho had gone, and the door was wide open.” Taeil responds, and Jihoon feels a cool hand on his forehead.

“Did they have a fight or something? I mean, Jihoonie’s fainted before, but the door being open and Jiho gone is pretty… odd.” Kyung questions.

“I don’t know. Jiho’s not answering his phone, but we have a pretty good idea of where he is. Yukwon went over to the studio to get him.”

Jihoon’s eyes snap open and instantly Kyung, leaning against the doorway, notices.

“Hey, sleeping beauty.” He grins widely, showing no sympathy.

Jihoon has fainted before. He knows the feeling of waking up with a pounding headache and a rolling stomach, so he doesn’t try to sit up. Instead he reaches for the glass of water sitting on the nightstand, gulps it down in one go.

“What the hell happened?” Taeil asks, the concern on his face evident. Jihoon feels a pang of regret. He hadn’t _meant_ to faint and scare the other two.

“I don’t know,” he lies. “I guess it’s because I skipped dinner last night and was drinking. You guys know I faint sometimes.” He avoids their eyes.

He ignores the ache in his chest where his heart was before Jiho ripped it out and threw it across the kitchen.

//

The next few weeks are hell, for the both of them.

Twice Jihoon has tried to talk to Jiho about what happened, and twice he has been ignored or told to fuck off.

Twice Jihoon has approached Jiho, and twice Jiho was torn at the sight of him, and so twice Jihoon was driven away.

They are miserable.

//

The studio is safe. It’s home. Especially now.

The couch has practically become his bed now – he rarely sleeps at the dorm anymore. The night he and Jihoon spent together has tainted his bed, tainted the whole dorm. So he sleeps here.

Or doesn’t sleep.

Rather he replays that night in his head, over and over again, hearing Jihoon whispering to him, wanting him so badly he aches but then he remembers he isn’t a fucking faggot and is disgusted with himself.

 _Faggot pussy bitch twink homo fag queen_ is what he tells himself, knows his reputation will be ruined if he admits it to himself for one second, that terrible secret that he hates.

He loves Jihoon.

He wants Jihoon.

He wants Jihoon here, in the studio with him, just being himself, filling the room with his essence, holding Jiho at night, kissing him on the forehead and telling him it will all be okay.

He wants Jihoon here, grasping at his shirt, undoing his belt buckle, taking Jiho into his mouth, making Jiho moan his name.

Jiho rolls over and punches the pillow.

//

The dorm is safe. It’s home. Especially now.

Especially that Jiho has made it perfectly clear what he thinks of Jihoon, made it perfectly clear what he thinks of the night they spent together (Jihoon wonders if Jiho had included “faggot bitch” in Tough Cookie to send him a message. If so, he has got it loud and clear).

The others know something is gravely wrong, and how could they not? The maknae and the leader barely speak any more, and Jiho hasn’t been seen around the dorm in days.

Jihoon is lying on Jiho’s bed, which smells stale but somehow also like Jiho and Jihoon wants to drown in it. He can’t do this anymore, can’t go on lying to himself that he doesn’t love Jiho, can’t pretend that he even has a _chance_ with Jiho.

That doesn’t mean he can’t stop thinking about him, though.


	5. Everything Will Come True

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The scenes from the night before are running through his head. Jihoon, on his knees looking up at Jiho. Jihoon, touching his lips to Jiho’s tattoo. Jihoon, rolling Jiho over and biting him on the neck.

  
_I shut my hurting eyes and run for you_  
_Just please don’t leave me_  
_Whatever you want, I’ll give it to you_  
_Tick tock tick tock everything will come true_  
_Vixx – Voodoo Doll_

Church.

The high ceilings and the hard pews had always intimidated Jiho as a child. It still does. He doesn’t really like being in church, if he is honest, even if it’s a sin. He likes being close to God, likes feeling His influence, but the extravagant surroundings just seem like a way to take the congregation away from God.

“Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been three months since my last confession. This is my sin.”

He hesitates, squeezing his fingers together. “I… I had sex with someone. Someone I shouldn’t have. Outside of marriage. A man. I had sex with a man.”

Just saying it out loud is cathartic.

//

Taeil-hyung’s eyes are soft as he sticks his head around the door. Jihoon knows he is being sympathetic, and he knows he should appreciate it, but instead it makes him frown and wish Taeil would just go away. The others have been tiptoeing around the two for months. Jihoon was sick of it.

“Are you coming to the shoot?” He asks.

Jihoon knows this is special. It’s Taeil’s solo debut, and he is inviting Jihoon to the music video shoot as a treat, to try and make him feel better. He still hates the kindness that he doesn’t deserve, so he turns on his side, facing the wall.

Taeil sighs, and Jihoon hears the frustration in that one noise. “You need to leave the dorm sometime. Come on, Jihoon, it will be fun! The actress is really pretty.”

Jihoon says nothing, just stares blankly at the wall, straight ahead; hoping Taeil will go away, leave him alone.

He does.

//

“I’ve had enough. Everyone is sick of both of you moping around like someone has pissed in your cereal. Jihoon won’t get out of bed, and you spend all your time here. It’s exhausting!”

Jiho is staring at his computer screen in an effort to block out Taeil’s ranting. He knew as soon as Taeil had let himself into the studio with his key that he was in trouble.

“Answer me, Jiho! Don’t just ignore me. I can’t deal with both of you ignoring me. I don’t know what happened between you two, but for fuck’s sake, you need to fix it!”

Jiho turns at that, surprised at Taeil swearing – he rarely does. “You don’t know what happened. You don’t know what I did,” he mutters darkly.

Taeil shakes his head, mouth set in a line. “I don’t want to know. But you two need to talk.”

“Why?” Jiho asks, his eyes narrowed.

“Because both of you are tearing this group apart, god damn it.”

//

The knock comes at his door, hesitantly.

Jihoon is sitting cross-legged on the bed, browsing the internet in search of something to do. It’s 4 am, but like always, he can’t sleep.

“Come in.” He calls, expecting it to be Taeil again, steeling himself for a lecture.

But the door swings open and Jiho is there, and this is the closest they have been for months and it’s sad that as much as he hates Jiho for running away, his heart begins to race and he licks his lips nervously.

From the looks of it, Jiho is just as nervous as well, as he shifts his weight from foot to foot. “Jihoon – I – ”

Jihoon waits, to see if there is an end to that sentence, but before he can say anything Jiho whirls, and is gone, almost as if he was never there at all.

//

This time, they meet in the hallway. Jiho is heading back from the bathroom, toothbrush in hand, and Jihoon is headed to the kitchen. Bleary-eyed, Jihoon doesn’t see the shape of their leader in front of him, and smacks right into him.

Jiho is so close that even in the darkness Jihoon can see his eyelashes, his eyes wide and unblinking, can see Jiho lick his lips and lean in. Before Jihoon even really knows what he is doing, he is being forced back against the wall, Jiho’s lips on his, tongues furiously mashing together. Jiho’s hands are running down Jihoon’s chest, pausing at Jihoon’s pyjama pants before diving beneath. The feel of Jiho there is too much, and Jihoon lets out a breathy moan into Jiho’s mouth.

“Fuck – Jihoon – let me – ”

“Jiho – I – please – ”

They whisper to each other, not caring that they are in the hallway still, not even remembering that their bandmates are sleeping around them, until Minhyuk’s door opens.

Looking back now, Jihoon thinks it is easy to blame Minhyuk. If his door hadn’t opened, he wouldn’t have grabbed Jiho’s hand, dragged him into the bedroom and dropped to his knees. If the light hadn’t spilled out into the hallway, Jihoon wouldn’t be exploring every inch of Jiho, kissing all his tattoos and feeling the other man move inside him.

But he did, and so he is, and as he gives himself over to the sensations, feels a shudder run through his body, he tries his best to ignore the tears running down his face, ignore the way his heart hurts as Jiho uses him.

//

When he wakes, rolls over and reaches for Jiho, he is gone again.

Jihoon sighs, holding the sheets to his face, trying to get any last little trace of Jiho from them. He can’t believe he was stupid enough to let Jiho in, let Jiho have him, again.

//

Jiho hasn’t slept.

The scenes from the night before are running through his head. Jihoon, on his knees looking up at Jiho. Jihoon, touching his lips to Jiho’s tattoo. Jihoon, rolling Jiho over and biting him on the neck.

Jihoon, whispering, “I love you, please don’t leave me,” as Jiho fucked him.

He turns his head into his pillow, cries and cries as he remembers what he has done.

//

Jihoon sighs, a soul-wrenching sound that comes from deep inside him.

He has decided. It is his destiny, it seems, to reach for Jiho. And, equally, it is Jiho’s destiny to run away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I use Voodoo doll a lot for inspiration but _fuck_ it's such a great song with an even better MV so fuck it
> 
> I know this hasn't been updated since January and for that I apologise
> 
> also yes Jihoon gave consent


	6. equinox

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> and he leaves

_And let me give my love to you_  
_Let me take your hand_  
_And as we walk in the dimming light_  
_Oh darling understand_  
_That everything_  
_Everything ends_  
_Meet Me On the Equinox – Death Cab for Cutie_

“I’m leaving.”

The words that have been swirling around in his brain for days, the words that he can feel imprinted on his skin, on his lips, can taste them on his teeth, the words that are finally spoken aloud.

It’s cathartic and a huge release; the weight of this has lifted off his shoulders and he is free. He is free of Jiho, free of this bullshit between them. As he watches his bandmates react, sees almost in slow motion Taeil reach for him, the word “no” forming on his lips, his eyes fall on Jiho.

The leader is angry. Jihoon sees his balled fist, his tight lips, the way his eyes narrow into nothing, and feels a flash of satisfaction. It’s petty, but after everything Jiho’s done to him, getting him back in this small way feels good.

As he snatches his arm from Taeil’s grip and goes back to his room to pack, can hear the room erupt in conversation behind him, he ignores the lump in his throat and keeps walking, head high, his fingernails digging into his palm to try and stop the tears from coming.

//

Jiho opens the door and it’s the most broken Jihoon has ever seen him, worse than Thailand, worse than the bullshit with Stardom, and _fuck_ that hurts because as much as Jihoon wants out, he still _loves_ Jiho, damn it, and seeing him like that is shocking.

He closes his eyes, briefly, and then continues folding his shirts into his big suitcase, the special huge one he only uses when they go away for a long time. This time, though, he’s going away forever.

“What do you want, Jiho?”

“You to stay.” Jiho says, his voice cracking, sending a white-hot blade of pain through Jihoon.

But his hands don’t falter, and he continues folding his shirts delicately, arranging them just so. “You don’t really want that.”

Jiho slams his hand into the door, not really a punch but it’s loud enough to make Jihoon jump and the shirt in his hands to go flying. “Yes, I do, fucking hell. I want you to stay more than I want my life. I want you more than I want anything else.”

Jihoon turns his eyes to Jiho, who crumples even further under his even gaze. “Then be with me.”

He doesn’t have to extrapolate. Jiho knows exactly what he means. He winces. “You… you know I can’t do that.”

Jihoon turns back to the suitcase, his hands shaking a little now. “Then I can’t stay.”

“You’d do this to me? To all of us?” Jiho continues, his voice rising. “You’ll be so – so damn selfish?”

That word – _selfish_ – makes rage flow Jihoon. He embraces it, balling up the shirt in his hands and throwing it at the wall, letting his next words come out as a growl. “Selfish? I guess I am selfish, Jiho, because I’m leaving so I don’t go fucking crazy with you and _us_ and all this bullshit. I’m leaving because I will lose my mind if I stay. So I suppose I _am_ selfish. But not as selfish as you. You love me, you _know_ you do, I know you do. You just won’t say it.”

Jiho doesn’t respond, the sadness in his eyes saying it all as Jihoon finishes packing and places the suitcase on the ground, his room looking sparse and very lonely.

“I’m sorry.” The leader whispers, his arms locked around his chest as if to give himself some comfort.

Jihoon wants to reach for him, touch him, hug him, but he knows that will be the thread that pulls him undone and so he brushes past the leader, through the hallway and out to the front door.

“I’m sorry, too.” He whispers to no one, but he knows Jiho will hear it.

And he leaves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's over yay hallelujah i'm sorry this ending was so shit


End file.
